Thursday, January 20, 2011

A slight hiccup in an otherwise unbumpy road.

It's frustrating. I have the potential to have everything I've ever wanted but yet as soon as I begin to walk down a new path MS has to rear its ugly head and remind me that I'm sick. At least, so far, this has been a mild relapse, it just serves to remind me that I can do anything IF I remember that I'm sick. I consider myself a strong woman with strong dreams. Heck, the whole thing that started this blindness in my left eye was the completion of a 3300+ mile trip across the country solo, in seven days! A HUGE task for any MS sufferer to be taking, especially alone where the complications of MS can set in at any moment. Sure, I felt fatigued but not once did I feel sick. Hell, even now I feel fit as a fiddle, well with the exception of being completely blind in my left eye. But not once did I think this was going to happen especially when my life was turning out right for a change.
So I have to reflect on my life and make some decisions. Some serious, difficult and hard decisions that will have an impact on the rest of my life. This little hiccup has reminded me that I'm not invincible, that I'm not cautious enough. It sucks that I have to bandaid up everything in my life just so I don't cause myself to get hurt or worse. Normal people walk through life and take their bumps and bruises, why can't I? Now, I don't feel sorry for myself, it's just when this sort of thing happens you begin to question a lot in your life. Am I making the right decision, for me? Am I doing what's in MY best interest? So long I've put others before myself. But wasn't the whole point of this journey to regain what I'd lost, to become dependent on myself versus taking care of a spouse, a house, etc. I was supposed to regain my freedom from being the worrier, the stressed out budget manager. I came here to find myself and what did I find? The real me, the MS sufferer who needs to learn how to take care of herself. I need to take my meds, I need to eat healthy, I need to exercise and most importantly, I have to live each day for me. No one else. Just me... and maybe my cat.
If there's one thing I've learned on this journey is that it's okay to be alone, it's okay to sit down at restaurants and eat alone. It''s okay to go into stores and shop just for oneself. It's okay to lose yourself in your thoughts. And although I was alone for just a short while, I was never truly alone. I had those who loved me, who checked up on me and guided me when needed. I now have a support system here who all unanimously agree that I should check into getting disability. That I would be better off without the stress of working full-time and that I would get the proper insurance I need as well as the potential of my schooling paid for. Then, when completed, I could practice law on a part-time basis and help others who have MS get on disability and fight for their rights. I could truly do my dream job of being an advocate for people with MS and all sorts of disabilities! I could give my life a real sense of meaning. But even if I don't, I'm still okay with just being me.

1 comment:

  1. Just read all your posts. Can an old friend weigh in? I think disability is a good idea. Especially if they will help with college costs! I've been worried about your medical insurance (just ask Jen!) for so long, I can only imagine how scary it must be to not have any with your MS. I"m not sure how disability works out there (heck, I'm not sure how it works here anymore), but you might be able to work part time and still get some disability. Lord knows, you should! But I have this "reality" problem...reality never meets my shoulds. +.+ I know you have a "new" support system out there, but know your old one is ready at a moment's notice to write, listen, whatever you most need.