Monday, September 14, 2009

A curious case of the ‘why me’s?’

Now that I’m home and everyone has gone home or gone to bed I really feel the need to have a bit of a breakdown, if I may.

I’ve had to wear a brave face for the doctors and nurses and family and friends and really all I want to do is cry! My physical therapist told me today that it’s great to see someone who is so optimistic but in reality I’m screaming on the inside!

I have to stay strong for Kel because I don’t think he could really handle the thoughts inside my head; I have to stay strong for Kristen because up until recently she didn’t know that this is a progressive disease and I’m going to get worse. I have to stay strong even for those family members who still deny something is wrong even though they have heard it straight from my doctor’s mouth.
Where is the source of my strength!

I’m constantly stuck between two people who I love deeply but hate each other. Causing me stress. I have family members who are in denial. Work just doesn’t understand. I don’t even think I truly understand the severity of my situation.

I just want to pack up and head out to where no one knows me and no one can find me and lock myself away. I think that’s truly the only way I am ever going to avoid stress.

I know for a fact that Kel aggravated the situation with the little stunt he pulled last week and I know even now I’m much worse since I came home from the hospital. If they can’t listen to the doctor telling them I need to avoid stress then I really don’t know what will work at this point. How do I decide between the people I love and my health?

I don’t think any of this is really fair. I don’t think any of this is even right.

I have to bring myself to the point where I stand up in my big girl pants and say ‘enough is enough! I won’t let you drag my health through the mud any longer!’ I’ll do that just as soon as I find a pair in my size…

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